2012-13 Team by Team NBA Preview: Minnesota Timberwolves


Ricky Rubio is nearly back from a torn ACL to help the Timberwolves and their roster full of white guys to the playoffs. I’m not kidding. Their roster is FULL of white guys. It’s unbelievable. They come in on our countdown at number 15.

15. Minnesota Timberwolves

Record Last Year: 26-40 (.394), 12th in Western Conference

Vegas Over/Under: 38 ½

Key Additions: SG Brandon Roy, SF Andrei Kirilenko

Key Departures: SF Wesley Johnson, PF Anthony Randolph, SF Martell Webster

Projected Starting Lineup:
PG Ricky Rubio
SG Brandon Roy
SF Derrick Williams
PF Kevin Love
C Nikola Pekovic

Dumbest Contract: Andrei Kirilenko, $9.78 Million
Minnesota traded former first round draft pick Wesley Johnson and a first round pick to create enough cap room to sign Kirlenko to a 2 year $20 million contract with a third year option. So not only did they sign Kirilenko to a dumb contract, but they made a dumb trade in order to make the dumb signing. Great job Kahn. Kirilenko used to be a good player. Not so much anymore. He’s at least not worth that $10 million a year.

White Guy Ratio: 2/3- 2/3! THEY HAVE 10 WHITE GUYS! In 2012! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! They look like every team in Hoosiers. They have more white guys than a Coldplay concert. If you saw them together outside you’d think there was a screening for Mad Men nearby. After the game these guys don’t go to a club they all go to Applebees and order strawberry lemonade. This team is so white I’m surprised Donald Sterling isn’t the owner. I’ve heard about throwback uniforms but i’ve never heard about throwback rosters. This year concession stands at the Target Center will sell all fountain drinks for 5 cents and hotdogs for 10.

Possible Curse on Why They Suck: The Curse of Flip- From 1996-2004 the Timberwolves reached the playoffs every year led by Kevin Garnett, but only once advanced past the first round. That was in 2004 when they were the best seed in the West. They advanced to the conference finals, where they lost to the Lakers. Midway through the next year, they fired their coach Flip Saunders. They have yet to make the playoffs since. In 2007 they traded Garnett to the Celtics, and have drafted in the lottery every year since. Maybe they shouldn’t have fired Flip? Or they could have got a competent GM. That would have worked too.

Cheerleaders: Timberwolves Dancers- Really? That’s the best name you can come up with? Was @LadyWolfPack already taken on twitter? At least 2/3 of their team isn’t white guys. 8/10

Mascot: Crunch the Wolf- I like that the Timberwolves mascot is an actual wolf, but why does he look like a raccoon? His story is that despite no one in his pack knowing what basketball was, or the fact that he is a wolf, he learned the rules of basketball and built a basket out of pinecones and birch bark. When Minnesota got an expansion team, he somehow found out about it and went to Minneapolis to be the mascot. So apparently we’re dealing with a genius wolf who can’t figure out how to wear pants? You’re right. A basketball basket building, basketball playing, jersey and shoe wearing wolf wearing pants would be ridiculous. 6/10 for Crunch due to the lack of pants. Plus, I don’t even want to know how he got that name.

Prediction: The Minnesota Timberwolves are a playoff team. They were headed their last year until Rubio went down. Now he’s nearly recovered and ready, along with Love, to return to the court. How far they go in the playoffs depends on Love and Rubio, but also on the role players. They’re certainly talented enough to take a series in the playoffs. Brandon Roy is back after retiring due to his knees, and if he can stay relatively healthy he will be a great addition. He’s not the superstar he once was, but he is still a great player. We haven’t seen a team this talented and white since the 50’s. So congrats to the Timberwolves for their talented and racist GM.

Check out our previous team previews:
16.Utah Jazz
17. Dallas Mavericks
18. Milwaukee Bucks
19. Golden State Warriors
20. Phoenix Suns
21. Washington Wizards
22. New Orleans Hornets
23. Portland Trail Blazers
24. Toronto Raptors
25. Detroit Pistons
26. Cleveland Cavaliers
27. Sacramento Kings
28. Houston Rockets
29. Orlando Magic
30. Charlotte Bobcats

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